LonelyMom

The good news? I’m down to 187

The bad news?  My stomach is partially frozen (gastroparesis) from all the medicines, so I didn’t exactly lose it the right way  :-(  I can only hold partial amounts of my meals down.  But at least I’ve been drinking my water to stay hydrated.

Last time this happened it took 6 wks to go away.  Kind of why I’ve also been fighting the bulemia thing because it becomes soooooooo easy to just keep throwing up even after you get better.  You become so used to throwing up that it becomes second nature, but you HAVE to fight it.  So I have to remember that I have to fight the urge to throw up after I get better.  That it’s not exactly healthy to be doing that.  Right now I have no choice.  Fine line, I suppose….

Hope everyone is doing well.

So I’ve had my wedding ring off for about a week.  He hasn’t said anything.  Mind you I’ve never taken it off except for my 2 c-sections in 12 1/2 yrs of marriage.  Last week I brought up how I felt because he keeps talking about buying a house.  I told him half the time I didn’t see us together, let alone buying a house.  I asked him if he was happy with the way our relationship was.  He was silent.  I asked him if there were things I could do to help him, to curb the addiction, to get us together, etc.

His reply “Let me get back to you.”

Hello?  I just told you I might be divorcing you and I’m trying to work it out and you say “Let me get back to you.”

My daughter’s starting to get exasperated with him.  She’ll talk to him and he’s staring off at the computer or the TV and she’ll look at me all hurt.  I came over at dinner and saw her trying to open a can of coke on the couch (fun accident waiting there) and said why didn’t you ask papa to open it.  She said “I did.  Five times.  He didn’t answer me.”  His reply - well she didn’t bring it over.  I didn’t know she needed help.    It’s almost like I’m waiting for her to realize he’s an a–hole so it’s easier to leave, vs this adoration she has.

Anyways, I’m ok right now.  Might be the meds.  But I’ve also gone back to prayer and just trying to make it through each day.  I wish I could find a job, even a small one, where I can start saving money to leave, but I can’t get a transcription or typing job unless I go work at a hospital right now, and I’d spend all the money on daycare for the baby.

Talk to you guys later!

So I haven’t been on since last Friday I think — met my new doctor who is very nice, and of course said with all my issues I need to see a therapist.  Umm….okay, like I’m not going to hear anything I haven’t heard before, but maybe it’ll help give me some backbone.  However, I started my Cymbalta again, twice a day, and I’ve been soooooooo tired.  I haven’t been able to exercise!  :-(  But on the bright side I’ve been so nauseated from starting this stuff over that I haven’t eaten as much, so now I’m down to 189!  I know, very slow, but every little bit helps and I’ll take even the small victories.

I’ve at least been drinking the water so that part’s good.  I’m hoping by tomorrow or Wednesday to have my energy back a bit more, but then I’ve got my Spironolactone to start up.

I’m trying to hang in there, but before my pregnancy I was on 10 different prescriptions plus taking 2 OTC meds plus vitamins.  Once I was on everything on schedule it was great, but getting there…..I’d often spend entire days in bed.  Not convenient with the baby.

*fingers crossed* here’s hoping that it won’t be as bad a transition this time.  I’m already on 5 so halfway there.

So today’s goal is to try to make this crab enchilada recipe I got from WW that is really good but time consuming, so I can avoid the other option, which is having hubby cook.  Which means ramen noodles and hot dogs.  *laugh*

So because I’m pretty sure I’m going to have an off evening again, I started cooking a large pot of soup at about 9:30 this morning.  This way if I get sick, the soup is done and all hubby has to do is serve it and make some grilled cheese with it or something.  If I’m okay, then I’ve got lunch for tomorrow and can save the rest.

I’m thinking I’ll also invest in a slow cooker.  Those of you that have them….how are they for you?  Do you use them often?

Also I’m going to get in some exercise.  I figure I’ll exercise for exactly 30 min then take a nap — I’m sure lack of sleep hasn’t helped my metabolism any either (I sleep about 3 hr stretches).

So today’s goals:

Drink the 2 sports bottles of water

30 min of exercise

NO EATING OUT

Log my food

Wash my hair (hey with newborns, we’re lucky if we can TAKE a shower, let alone wash our hair, right?)

Well the good news was that I drank 1 1/2 sports bottles…shy of my goal but still much better than normal, and I beat myself up for about 30 sec until I realized that was counterproductive and decided to focus on the positive, which was that I actually drank water!  I even had 2 glasses of water with a lemon during my lunch, which helped cut the pepsi intake from 3 to 1.  WOOHOO!  I ate lunch out (we were looking at an apt and decided to have lunch), and we picked Chili’s.  I decided to grab the chips out of the bowl and have only what I had on my plate (instead of asking for more chips) and I asked for salsa so I wouldn’t have the chili cheese all by myself.  I had a few with the chili cheese, and the rest with the salsa and water!

Lunch was their combo fajita.  Instead of ordering the double, I had him order the single order for a smaller portion.  I had one in the shell with the veggies and beans, and then I just ate the meat and veggies (no shell, cheese or sour cream ) after that.

I wasn’t doing so hot in the evening, so instead of picking up sandwiches or cooking something simple here, my husband picked up WINGS!  YIKES!

So instead of having 12, I had 6.  I also didn’t have chili or chocolate cake with ice cream, and I still didn’t have ice cream at home last night.

So it could’ve been better, but I think it was a good start.

So I usually have this huge bowl full of chocolate ice cream, strawberry preserves, 10-12 cherries and whipped cream…if I have them I use fresh strawberries to kid myself into thinking I’m being healthy!  *laugh*

Last night…I JUST SAID NO!  WOO HOO

Mind you…I’d feel better if the scale wasn’t half a pound heavier this morning WITHOUT the ice cream.  Hmm…maybe the ice cream IS healthy!  (yeah, right!)

So my next goal for today is to drink at least 2 sports bottles of water.  I know, not enough, but considering I don’t drink ANY water, gotta start somewhere, right?

So one of our cars got stuck in the mud in our complex.  We tried pushing, putting wood planks down, etc, for over an hr.  Nothing worked.  We were at our wits end.  Catherine was 5 at the time, and I brought her out with us because I didn’t want her to stay alone in the apartment.  So she took one look at his car in the mud, my car in its spot, and said “Papa?  Why don’t you just use Mama’s car to get the black car out?”  We each look at each other, him with an engineering PhD, and just have this “Duh” look on our faces.

out of the mouth of babes……yes we got the car out.

here are the important ones

my kids the day the baby was born

my Catherine (in red) Halloween 08

with santa

the 2nd from the left is me…blurry, but that’s who i was

For those of you with babies, or that have had babies…have you noticed that when you’re feeding your baby at night, it’s like you’re in a dark, cosmic fog?  I swear I see my baby making eyes at me, look again and his eyes are closed.  The shadows dance around a bit.  You’re rocking the baby and you blink and it’s now 5:00 a.m. and you’re still sitting up!

Or…I’ll start thinking about the grocery list, the bills…about Grey’s Anatomy or how Puerto Rico barely eeked out a win last night agains HOLLAND OF ALL COUNTRIES!  Or about how I wish I could go back to school but if I do I probably still won’t get into an OR.  Or I’ll think back to my first kiss with my husband…man, that train just goes everywhere!